Hello folks,

A warm welcome to all of you here. I noticed that I had a blog earlier, almost a decade ago. Had to clean up some of my earlier posts, but kept some which were interesting. Here I am again, taking an opportunity to express myself to my little world of friends and family. What would happen if one day  I decide to go to the mountains which I long for? (I will write about the mountains some other time.) Near and dear ones shouldnt get bewildered at such a seemingly drastic act, now that you know. Spirituality means intense involvement with life. If at all I leave it will be for that reason alone. Well, may be I will get to stay among you for some more time if situations around me change.

Let me start off by saying that I had no idea about anything remotely related to spirituality till 2011-12. No scriptural knowledge, no meditation classes, no yoga, nor any interest in the new age ideas. I was completely ignorant of them. Something happened in August 2011 that left in me a sweet emotion and my whole perspective on life started changing from then. This account that follows, without any great detail of specifics, gives the gist of my inner journey.

Even when I was a kid there was a certain sense of detachment. I never pestered my parents to buy me the latest bike around, nor the coolest video games nor a PC. I was satisfied with whatever I got. At least that is the version I remember. May be my parents will have different things to say. :) Because of my mother, I could eat almost anything edible, except milk while playing and the combination of sweet and hot. I enjoy that taste now. As a kid, I remember myself running away from home whenever possible. We used to go to the edge of the town, to the crematory, to the river and when I was given a bicycle, I remember going to farther places going across the bridge to a different colony. Climbing trees, playing hide and seek, releasing a kite to the highest extent possible and when it gets cut off, follow it down to the river. We used to exchange shirts to fool the seeker into calling out different names so that he/she would have to do it all over again. All of it was fun and studies never came to me till I was about 10-11 yrs of age. I was restrained in so many ways and in a span of a year or two I started to enjoy mathematics, chess, badminton and cricket. I became a little more sophisticated from being an unruly kid. From that point onward, I was immersed in solving problems till I went to IIT-Madras.

When I was in my first year of undergraduate school, I had existential questions. But, I never had the opportunity to pursue them since there was always so much happening around me at that time. After so much of time spent in solving problem, I took to playing sports and there were so many options to play. If I were asked about what I wanted to become in life at that point, I would have put up a confused look on my face or to hide that face came up with some quirky smart-sounding reply. I understood people around me well enough, but there was too much mischief with in to give my friends any breathing space. Friends used to hurl chairs, abuses, bricks at me while I would be laughing at them all the time. Of course, I was at the receiving end sometimes. I had the knack of seeing two sides of an issue and used to jump between the two when everybody sat down for evening debates. I was even nick-named Gopi, goda meeda pilli (Cat on the wall). Somehow it didnt stick to me as I already had another name, ALFA (a low funda asshole), which everybody seemed to like. It is a very insensitive way of showing love, to abuse them and give them belittling nick names. Even though there was a voice which protested against it, it wasnt loud as I myself was very involved in teasing others, pointing out their short comings and poking them, almost always, the wrong way.

There was a tendency to philosophy and understanding religions. But these queries never crystallized. I would call myself agnostic at that point as I didnt know the existence of God or divine or anything beyond this physical body and mind. I was not too aware of emotions then. If I felt like crying, I would and similarly for laughing, anger, jealousy. There is a certain unrestrained intensity to it. If something made sense to me (or just funny) and if I felt like saying anything, I would, with little regard to the ones present there. I was simply ignorant of the other.

One thing that would define the quality of me through out the years is involvement. It has been the same when I was playing or when I was preparing for JEE or when I cook or anything else. This also lead me to being addicted (not to any great extent, but just bordering on what we call normal) for some time as this quality of involvement was not a conscious one. In those days, there was an identification of the result to my action. Even though I was involved fully, I almost always had the result in mind and would be upset if I didnt meet my own expectations. That in short summarizes my wall which I needed to overcome. When one of my school teachers told me this verse from the Gita about fruitless action, I was bewildered and argued why that cant be. It is only because I wanted to become something or I am after a result that I was acting.

Coming the the US has been a blessing as it gave me so much free time. Of course, initially I did not know what to do with it. Definitely, friends provided an enjoyable distraction. There was a need in me to save somebody. It was still ME who is offering. This identification lead to constipated relationships with others. Lot of times I preferred solitude to company. The distractions reduced when I moved into a separate apartment by myself. Slowly, I got interested in the popcorn philosophy (which makes us feel good about ourselves, but without any nutritional value). In a way it helped me to come out of the cocoon. Now life was happening to me at an increased pace. I somehow had an aversion to meat, probably after watching videos on how food that I ate came to my plate. I re-joined Shaolin kung-fu school, became more sensitive in general. I noticed that I didnt enjoy all the comedy that is mainstream as most of it is ridiculing others. Unless I had a chemistry with someone, for example with my friends, I could not enjoy jokes on others.

It was then there was a realization that when love truly happens there wont be any conditions and it will only expand. There is immense joy in love because there is no sense of identification. This was the trigger that put me in a seekers garb. I came across Osho’s books. I picked up No water no moon, went though it like a breeze. I found out about Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev, researched on him for about 5-6 months, and then there was no looking back. Everything was on fast-forward. I drove 26-30 hrs to attend Shoonya and then for the Bhava spandana program. It is a blissful journey so far. I met so many truly beautiful people along the way from then on. Everybody I know of and interact with mean something to me. I experience a deep connection with life around me. It feels as if I reached. There is no where to go.

Nowadays, there are so many options for spirituality. It is as if we can shop for Gurus. Many ‘cults’ offer very similar things. If one can consciously use the intellect and choose, they can find what they are after. After all, the decisions we make in our life have the power to transform us. Dont base these decisions on what somebody else is saying. Invest time for yourself to know what you are seeking and to find out whether something is working for you.

Within my capacity and understanding, I plan to write about various topics important to me. Spirituality, yoga, love, intellect as a means, feminism, education, workplace environment and so on. The education system I have been put through makes me question everything, but the experiences of my life provided an entirely new perspective. I will make an attempt in putting them in words through this blog, among other silly stories and poems. I am inclined to silliness and spirituality. Oh no, they are not too far away from each other. :)